There once was a woman. She imagined a beautiful life with a partner and her children. That dream shifted, and now she is raising her children as a single mother.
My hope for that woman is that she feels supported by her co-parent. Oh how I hope that the road as a single mom is one that includes the other parent; and there is kindness, support and understanding about the importance of prioritizing a child’s well being.
But if it’s not …..
You need to prepare for the solo journey, friends. Because not everyone will be the woman I mentioned above. If you are, please be grateful. You may have other trials and tribulations, but this is one factor that you should not take for granted. Just because your children have their specific DNA, that does not automatically come with a side of an involved and loving parent.
Here’s the issue that some of us run into after being divorced: the disappearance of the other parent.
So, you knew that getting divorced would obviously change the nature of the relationship between you and your ex. What you did NOT sign up for was that it would feel as though they divorced their child/children as well. With a signature on a piece of paper, all of a sudden the responsibility towards the children is no longer. That is not how it is supposed to be.
Sadly, this reality happens and more often it is because the parent paying child support believes that this contribution is the most important one and therefore the rest is on YOU. What a sad misconception.
Sure, child support is in place because your child should not suffer the financial consequences of an adult decision, such as divorce. Your child did not request the divorce, so the only way to try to maintain their lifestyle would be for one parent, usually the one with the higher income, making support payments- to do just that - SUPPORT their child. The math on this may vary because if your custody agreement is a 50/50 physical split then supporting the other parent financially does not make as much sense.
Believing that because child support payments are made and therefore there is not a need to parent and support your child emotionally, academically, socially (etc.) makes absolutely no sense… is your child simply a financial agreement? OF COURSE NOT. This is why it is so hard to digest having a co-parent that has checked out of their kids lives (except when the piece of paper requires something).
If this is your situation, I am sorry. I see you and feel for you because those shoulders of yours are carrying A LOT of weight. Remember my earlier articles of self- care and another one on letting go of what you cannot control. This is another example where you need to do that.
Useful advice that I received from a very wise man in my life years ago and he still reminds me today when I have a hard time understanding this concept: “Keep the expectation at nothing. You can handle it all.
And be surprised and grateful if there is an ounce of human decency.” Listen, that is rough to hear , rough to write and equally hard to read. It is a hard truth if this is your circumstance. I would always suggest advocating for your children. But, do know the limit and when it is time to close that book and realize those strong shoulders that you have- they are for this and you can do it! Trust yourself that you can do it all!!
This is a lifelong battle on behalf of your most treasured children. All I can do is help you, with the experiences that I have had in this journey, to prepare for this battle in every way necessary.
Love,
Tray💕