You are out there, dating. If you are with someone who is also divorced with children, you know that this person will forever be tied to their ex. So, is it possible to truly move on with a new person despite this link to the ex?Â
I think so, but be careful and stay aware. If you are investing yourself, and possibly your children in a relationship with a new person, be sure that the door with the ex is fully closed, otherwise you are in for a mess!
You need boundaries. Here is a red flag checklist to know if they are over their ex:
Do the conversations surround the divorce or the ex? If so, not a good sign. Of course, it is completely normal to discuss what went wrong and/or why the divorce took place. Just be careful that there is a time and place for the conversation. It should not be a constant in your getting to know the new relationship. Â
Is there a lot of bashing or negativity? Also not a good sign. Negative attention is still attention to that person. Frankly, bashing and negativity is a sign that they are still upset when they think of them. If YOU are doing the bashing then you should take a good look at your healing process. If you find yourself getting very angry or upset while you speak about your ex, then you need to do more work before getting into another commitment; and vice-versa… if you see this happening with your new person then I would tread lightly.
The bottom line to these two points is that there is a healthy balance of giving information for the new person to understand you, what you have been through, and what your insecurities may be so that you are not triggered. And, you should know the same, but in moderation. There is no reason to continue to talk about the ex good or bad!
Excessive communication. How often do they communicate? Of course, there is a need for healthy communication regarding the shared children. That needs to be understood on both sides. And, the children should never be the messenger between the adults in the divorce, so I encourage the two parents to communicate. However, try to stick to a once-per-week check-in’ with the co-parent, unless there are other significant circumstances. The goal is to try to parent on your own without the co-parent involved in everything in your home. There may be more logistical communication when the children are younger, but again try to keep it at a minimum. This is because boundaries are crucial to moving on.
Are they mean to the ex? This is a hidden message. Why? Because the person who wants to be number one, is possibly insecure from the divorce, you may be somewhat content in seeing that this new partner in your life is mean to their ex. You may see the blatant disrespect there as something that falls in your favor. NOOOOO! This is quite the opposite. They are mean because they are still angry, betrayed, or hurt by their ex. Too much (negative) energy is still going there! This person is still the mother to their children. Unless that mother is mistreating those kids, she deserves respect or at the very least cordial communication. I understand that with children involved there are SO MANY emotions and one may feel easily insulted. It is so difficult trying to navigate these feelings from being divorced with children. One can certainly feel the animosity towards the ex, and understand that to be the case with the new partner in your life. All parties are entitled to their feelings. So, don’t get me wrong- disliking the ex is par for the course. The key is controlling it and putting it in its place. However, if you see your new person is still trying to belittle their ex, or downright mean, take it as a big red flag.
The bottom line here is that if you are healed; if you are OVER the ex, then even if you are not happy with the situation you are in, you are still happy.. a new version of happiness is created now. Think about other relationships you have been in the past- when it was over, how did you react towards them?  I mean when it was over. Did you perseverate and write mean and insulting emails or texts? Probably not. There is absolutely no need to be mean to the ex if you have moved on completely. Keep that in mind for yourself and the new boo!
Do they still keep tabs via social media or Google? If you know that your new person is still interested in knowing what their ex is doing on social media or in other areas of life, then that should tell you that they are not ready to be committed to you. Â
Avoidance with the kids. Do they avoid going to an event for their child because they do not want to see their ex? Oh please run if that happens!! I don’t care what the excuse here is- work, the ex is the devil, they do not want to run into the extended family, they do not want you to be uncomfortable around their ex… Hell no- do not let that fool you. Think of yourself, my mama friends- would you choose to NOT go to your kids’ special events because you do not want to see your ex? I hope not. We are adults. Our kids did not ask for a divorce.  So, if it is the ex, the new person, or you- do not allow the pettiness to get in the way of being there for your children. And, if that is what this new partner is doing- FRIGGIN RUN! Not only is that a sign of them still being triggered by their ex, but it is not a good sign of the parent that you want to be around and to bring to your children.Â
If I missed some red flags, tell me! Â
Listen to your gut, mamas. If you are in tune with yourself then you can lead the way to your rediscovery. You know if the red flags that you potentially see are deal breakers or workable. In the end, if you are looking to recommit yourself to someone then you want a partner that is going to be your rock and a role model for your children. So, just stay alert and in control because you have your little treasures counting on your choices!
xo
Tracey💕