What exactly is "self-care"?

The concept of self-care is all over my blog and in my videos, to all of my mama friends. It is your armor against post-divorce trauma.

Now we all have a version of this ‘ post-divorce trauma’. And, even if you are the happiest version of yourself because you shed the skin of an unhappily married woman, single motherhood is no walk in the park. We need to put in real terms what self-care really means.

Sure, getting a massage is amazing and is definitely a form of self-care. What happens if while you are getting this massage, your mind is racing about the laundry list of stressors? It is hard to let the brain calm, even when you are experiencing the epitome of relaxation.

So, if it isn’t about massages and mani/pedi time, what do I mean about self-care? I am talking about your core, mamas. I am talking about your SOUL. Feed your soul.

You have to work on the inner you first. If you don’t, you can get 7 massages in a week and you will leave just as stressed as you were before you entered that room.

Here are some of my tips for finding the healthiest inner self as well as some people who can help you:

Nutrition. How are your eating habits? Take a look at what you are putting into your body. The body reacts to what it is given. If you are eating junk, drinking a ton of alcohol to hide your grief or stress then you will see this on the outside and I guarantee that mentally you will not be at your best. Therefore, if you are not sure how to get started on a better nutritional routine, seek a professional to guide you (suggestions below).

Exercise. This is key. You need to find what works for you in the area of exercise. Do you need fast pace aerobic workouts? Yoga or Pilates style? Weight lifting? Running? Stretching? I have dabbled in a little bit of everything and here are my recommendations, if you are interested: For Pilates and stretching, of course, you can find a studio and go in person. If you cannot find the time to commit to an outside studio try an app that you can do in your own home. Buy a yoga mat and do it at your own pace. There is an app that I used called Better Me. It was a wall pilates routine geared towards your level. For a little more intense stretching I would recommend Pvolve. This is also an app to do at home (Jennifer Aniston advertises that this is her favorite workout). If you are not into stretching and/or you are in your 40s or above I would recommend some type of weight training and strengthening. It is good for our bodies at that age to include this in our daily routine. You can find an app in any price range to help you with a good weight-lifting program. I tried Warrior Babe and it was helpful. You would need to invest in some equipment but that is a choice to make- a gym membership or make the one-time purchase and do this at your leisure. If you cannot fit this in right now and are rolling your eyes because, “How can I even find the time between my kids' schedules, my schedule, work, homework, exhaustion, etc…” then just go for a walk. THE POINT IS YOU NEED TO MOVE. And, when you are ready to take care of yourself, AND YOU MUST DO THAT, then you will FIND the time. Self-care is just as, if not more important than anything else in the schedule.
Financial organization. Finances can be a great concern. If you do not need to budget money then you can cross one area of stress off of your list. But, if you do need to be careful, and strategic, and budget money for your life with your children as a single mother, then you must find a way to organize the finances. As an introduction to this concept, I would suggest writing down your income and monthly expenses. Find out the best offers out there for putting money aside where you can earn interest. Research the best ways to save money for college tuition and long-term goals. This may take you years because stabilizing life after divorce takes time. I recommend seeking a financial advisor at some point to help you in this area.
Let go of the control. Here is the emotional pull. You are a divorced mom. This is not what you planned. If you could have controlled the environment in which you lived so that this did not have to happen, I am sure that you would have done that. Nobody gets married with the intention of divorce- especially with children involved. What can you do now about it? You can accept it is where you are and embrace the possibilities ahead. Try to let go of the negativity and find your inner peace.

Alone time. If you are sharing custody with your ex-spouse then you have time carved out for you. Embrace the alone time- at least some of the time. The silence in the house can break your heart. I know that feeling well. How do you get beyond that? Live that moment, have your cry, and then wipe the tears and tell yourself that you are now going to do something that you love during your much-deserved alone time. Going out and being distracted can be needed as well, I am not discounting that and telling you to sit at home forever. I am just sharing that in time, I believe you will agree with me that alone time is a cherished time as well.
Pray. This may or may not be a part of your life at the moment. But, praying gives you a strength that will catapult your life in such a positive direction. Remember, there is no recommendation that I give that I have not tried myself. I was always religious growing up with my family. It was not until after my divorce that I rediscovered my religion in a completely different way. It has been so powerful to know that in times of my own suffering, I can lean on my God because I know I will never be alone. I want that for you all too.