There is no doubt that life post-divorce is a constant roller coaster of emotions. You are most likely the person in charge of managing these emotions, for yourself and your children. If you do not learn how to control or compartmentalize these emotions, they will surely get the better of you.
So, where do we go from here? Decide what issues are TRULY in need of your attention and emotional contribution.
Remember that you cannot control what happens when your children are with their other parent. You cannot request an agenda of what is happening at the other home. You cannot interfere with the rules of the house. This is an adjustment and is NOT worth the fight and/or the emotional stress. It is a losing battle anyway because, in the end, you have no right to interfere with their parenting.
Are your kids being the messenger and/or put in the middle of the issues that are meant for adults to handle? THAT is an area that needs your attention. Your children deserve to be children. They are not the therapist of any parent. They are not supposed to take a side. They are not supposed to relay messages because one of the parents cannot find the maturity level to communicate personally. They should not be privy to the arguments between their divorced parents. They should not know of negative feelings that either parent has towards the other. They have a RIGHT TO BE A CHILD. No parent should strip their child of that right.
Do your kids come home and complain about the rules of the other house? This is bound to happen. This is life, though, and your kids will need to find their resilience and understand that different homes have different rules and consequences. Let it go, mama.
Are your children in danger or neglected? This is, of course, an area where you must step in and address the situation. While addressing it be sure to approach those involved delicately to see the full picture before jumping to conclusions. I would never discount something like this reported by your child, but hear all parties out.
If the issue is about YOU personally, then channel your inner Elsa and LET IT GOOOOOOO. I get it and have spent enough time trying to prove my point when I felt my ex was wrong. How often have I said, “Where on Earth is he getting this’?!; “Why would he say these things about me..they are untrue!”; or anything along those lines.
How many times I was met with a vile and threatening email and I felt I needed to respond because “how can I let him get away with saying this to me?”. So, why is this hard to turn a blind eye to now? Because the ugly truth is this: the person that you once loved very much, who watched you give birth to your children, that you shared a home with, mourned a death with, shared a life with, a future with… is now a person that you politely wave to from your front door while you watch your children leave your home to be with them.
You do not know if and when you are going to hear from your children because their time is not your concern. It is a very hard pill to swallow. The personal attack department, however, is a place that you NEED to let go. Now my friends, we no longer care what that person thinks of us, ok?! We are not here to impress them with our parenting skills or skills of any kind! We are not here to prove that we are right and they are wrong.
We cut the emotional ties. Right here. Right now. Focus on yourself, your kids, and the future. You can say it is easier said than done, but I have walked in your shoes and I know that it takes a lot of strength to let go of the personal attacks from your ex-spouse. Your mental sanity and your heart will thank you for the effort.
The courage and strength that it takes to be a single mom and share your precious children with someone you no longer like or trust is monumental. Part of your journey is learning how to let go of what you cannot control. I promise you that one day you will be able to receive a ridiculous/obnoxious/ exaggerated email from your ex and chuckle to yourself.
You may even feel sorry for them one day, as I have learned to do. Sorry that this is how they choose to live. But thankfully, none of it is your problem anymore. In your life now, you choose to keep them in a place that does not affect you. Remember, the goal is to live your best life… and that starts with letting go of anything and everything that serves you negativity.
So question Mom, what are the things that are hard for you to let go?
Love, Tracey💕