The Blame Game

Do you sit in those quiet moments rethinking your divorce?  Or, are you playing back what went wrong in your marriage?  Are you romanticizing what ‘could have been’ if you were still together?  Do you think that you should have done something else and IF you behaved differently, the situation you are in would be better?  This is called the blame game.  

Look, it is perfectly fine, actually can be super healthy to reflect on what happened in your marriage.  You want a different life at the end of the day, right?  We move forward in different stages and we all have a different timetable of healing as well.  

In the beginning of this trying ordeal we are faced with an overload of emotions; be it grief, anger, resentment, relief, or guilt.  We have to live through what our feelings present to us to get to the end of that tunnel. 

To get to that other side, where I promise you there is light, you have to face what you are feeling and you have to take the time to heal.  This is why SO much of what I say relates to self-healing and self-love.  Your resilience to divorce will derive from the self-love you obtain during your healing process. 

As time passes and perhaps your divorce is finalized you will feel a whole new flow of emotions.  Often it is pride that you did it! Or, it could be a relief again that the big fight is over.  Maybe you feel that grief or guilt still at this time, as well. 

Again, what you are feeling is human. It is a result of the love that was once there for your ex-spouse, the overwhelming love you have for your children, and the mourning of a life that you thought you were going to have forever. 

What can I say about this stage?  A few things:

• Be careful about dating.  If you are experiencing these (very normal) emotions, please do not bring them to your next relationship- for your own good and the good of your potential partner.  Not healing yourself first is sure to affect a new relationship.  It may be hidden at first by the excitement of a new partner and a new (maybe improved) sex life.  This can be quite deceiving. 

• Be gentle with yourself.  Take as long as you need to sit with your feelings.  The benefit of your children being with your co-parent is learning to use the time that you have for yourself.   It could be the time to cry, to reflect, to exercise, to talk to people that you cannot fit into your routine schedule.  It is the ‘you’ time needed to move beyond this phase.

• Bond with your child/children as much as you can when they are with you.  Give 100% of yourself when they are in your care.  I cannot emphasize this enough.  Of course, your children need to socialize with others, and schedules may be packed. But, make the time together count.  It is a stepping stone for the relationship you will have with them in the future.  TRUST ME.

Are you years into the divorce and you STILL feel these waves of emotions?  Yeah, I get it.  But it is different.  You see difficulties in this new life, handling everything on your own as a single mom. 

The grass does not seem greener when you are overwhelmed with finances, coordinating schedules, managing school and extracurriculars, having to answer every single question on your own and make all decisions by yourself, being simultaneously mom but also dad when need be, staying positive and happy (even though you may be sad), working full-time or part-time, possibly dating and rediscovering yourself, maintaining a home and trying to give your children everything they need to be the best they can be in life. 

I have to tell you something here… that does NOT mean that you made a mistake.  That does NOT mean you should blame yourself for problems way back when you were married. 

No, that means that life is hard after divorce.  Real hard.  As strong as you are, we all can fall.  Find your happy place and get back in the game, but just do me a favor, and do NOT blame yourself for anything now.  

What will blame do for you anyway?  It will make you suffer for something that you cannot change.  Even if you are the one who made mistakes (I still say it usually takes two), it’s time to learn from them.  If you think that you could have acted differently in the past, then use it for your present and your future.  You cannot change the outcome, you can only learn and become the best version of yourself.  

Did you find this blog helpful? Leave your thoughts in the comment section and let's have a chat.

Love,

Tracey💕