This blog is to help us all become the best versions of ourselves after the trauma of divorce. Let’s be real here and acknowledge that certain areas of stress have increased tremendously now that you are a single mom, and we need to figure out how to manage it all.
Let’s start with a positive and embrace the reward of eliminating one huge area of stress- an unhappy marriage. Yes, you may have made a trade and taken on more demands, but you gave up what most likely was a debilitating stress factor. Just remember that as we move on.
How about a reminder for those of you in the back seats of the stadium… – a week in the life of a single mom–
Get ready in the morning/ kids off to school. Did you pack their school bags up, charge their Chromebooks, pack their lunch boxes (with little love notes to remind them of how they are your world), and get everything situated for the childcare provider so that you can get to work? Don’t forget to look your best for your job- you don’t want anyone there judging you and minimizing who YOU are, right?! It’s ok, you can get that done while your 3-year-old is jumping on your back, can’t you?
Work. Most of us have at least one job because let’s face it, child support is not another salary to keep the kids’ lives the same as before. While you are at work you are most likely feeling guilty about something. Did you fill out the reading log for their class? Did you forget to pack the show-n-tell doll? Or, are you just missing them already?
Update your schedule, coordinate the doctor appointments, school functions, extracurricular activities, and religious education ( oh make sure to ask for permission from the ex because he has “joint custody (on paper)”!)
Come home from work, get the kids from school or childcare. Go through backpacks, complete homework, and their projects, make dinner, go off to practice or lessons or some other appointment, take showers, read, snuggle and connect, clean up, and go to bed.
Repeat. Every. Day.
Make every decision and answer every question that they have.
Prepare the kids for life.
Don’t let them grow up too quickly.
Have the patience of a saint.
Take care of yourself too.
Handle what you need to handle for your own job.
Pay attention to your new partner.
Be at as many family and friend functions as possible- you can’t let anyone know you can’t DO IT ALL. …
Well, guess what, you ARE doing it all. You are f*@#ing doing it all. If you have a co-parent that helps you then believe me, it is a blessing. If you are in my category with a co-parent that doesn’t co-parent, and considers the kids nothing more than a business transaction and misses EVERY SINGLE THING that they have happening in their lives, I’m sorry and I feel the hurt there. Do not hurt yourself because you cannot do this on your own- you’ve already proven that you can. It’s a hurt that no parent knows unless they are in these shoes. Knowing your kids have to feel the loss. The loss is 100% chosen by their parent. I will never understand it. Neither will you.
Hence, the purpose of this week’s blog.. how to handle emotional stress. So, where do we place this emotional stress that we are enduring so much? We cannot let it take over and create an unhealthy environment for the kids. We left that type of household, right? Remember I have said that I have made plenty of mistakes, and actually have done a few things right along the way. The only reason that I know that I HAVE done a good job, at least some of the time, is the result of having the most amazing two kids in the world. They are described by anyone and everyone that meets them, as respectful, kind-hearted, thoughtful children. It is very true and I am so proud. So, I am confident in saying, since they are with me 97% of the time, I must be doing something right.
So, what can you do when the emotions are high for you?
First and foremost, take a step back. If your kids are there you need to remove yourself from the situation while your head is still on straight. Go to the bathroom, go to your bedroom, or walk outside for a few minutes. Take a deep breath. Talk to yourself and regain composure before you get back to your kids. You have to remember that they look at YOU as their pillar of strength. You can certainly fall, but I would encourage you to keep that image as long as you can. You are strong and they need to pull from that when times get tough in their own lives. Let them look back and say, “wow, my mom was so strong even though life was so hard at times”.
Now, I am a big proponent of rules, consequences and my children having manners. If your kids are the ones that are in need of that time-out then that is the road to your break. Sometimes you need a minute to clarify, “Is it me? Am I losing it right now?” or, “ Is it my child that is wrong and needs a consequence in a time-out?”.
Call on your team. Who are the people that you count on? If you need a break it is wise to have one of them step in. It could be for a few hours, maybe overnight.
The self-care that I am constantly mentioning is a lifeline. If you take care of your well-being when you do not have kids, then you will start to turn to those tools when life becomes so overwhelming.
Create a routine. One thing that can make your life feel more chaotic than it needs to feel, is a house with no routine. Sure, spontaneity can be awesome for you and for the kids. The constant should be a routine- again to maintain sanity. When you know, and more importantly your children know what is expected of them and they know their schedules, it alleviates an element of stress. Depending on their age, think of adding a calendar.
If they are young you could have a cute one hanging up somewhere in the house- maybe a chalkboard calendar or whiteboard and color code it so the kids know what particulars pertain to them. If they are a bit older, maybe you share a Google calendar to add and coordinate the schedules on your phones.
Sometimes you need to just put on a movie! Or, just let them use the iPad! Do not compare yourself to any other family. Nobody is living in your shoes and you must do whatever is necessary to survive and thrive. There are times that you need to get things done or just need a break from talking and entertaining, and having them sit down with a screen is ok! Do not feel guilty about it.
Pick up the phone and talk to your bestie. My two besties, Carm and Courtnie are the type of friends I wish on all of you, my mama friends. They are ride-or-die friends and would listen to my tears, fears, and stress every day and put their hearts into helping me. Call on the ones that you know will do the same for you.
With all of this being said, I have had my fair share of times when my emotions are too overwhelming for me to handle and my kids have seen that side too. What can I advise for those moments? Acknowledge your behavior. I cannot tell you how many times I have apologized to my kids for either raising my voice when I didn’t have to; or for when I made the wrong decision; or when I had a disagreement with my husband and they were around. It is simple really, if you did something wrong, admit it- even to your kids.
Those apologies went and continue to go a long way. Depending on your co-parent, they may not see that on the other side, so as I always say- you can only control yourself. You need to continue to be the stable parent that shows up for your kids EVERY SINGLE DAY. It may not be physical that you are allowed to show up every day, depending on your parenting schedule. But believe me, they will know immediately and it will forever be imprinted in their little minds who was there to show up for them emotionally EVERY SINGLE DAY. Make that person be you.
Love,
Tracey💕