The Do’s and Don'ts of Dating Post-Divorce

Dating post-divorce is different than when we were single, guilt-free and our time was our time.  I remember my pre-mom era when I could schedule a date, liiiiiike whenever I wanted!  Remember those days?!

Yeah, those are long gone.  How does the custodial parent manage everything on their plate in raising the child/children WHILE attempting to find the next person to share their life (in whatever capacity ‘share’ is defined by you)? Once again this is not easy.  But is anything in this process considered easy? NOPE.  

I feel that by thinking this through on a different level, like you need to do with most things now, you can find a way to date again, as a mom, that does not interfere with the awesome parenting that you are doing.  Let me explain what I mean… this is another piece of self-discovery and reflection that will allow for the healthiest dating experience for yourself.

The first step is evaluating where you are emotionally.  Are you ready for a new relationship?  Do you want to just explore what/who is out there now?  Once you establish if you are going down the road of casual vs. commitment then you can work on a plan.  Ask yourself questions such as the following:

• How much time do you want to dedicate to a new person? 

• Will you be available for communication any time or when the kids are not home/sleeping?

• Do you want a partner that has children of their own or are you looking to not have that additional factor?

• What are the qualities that you are looking for this time around?  There could be similarities to your ex but I am sure there are things that you want to be different with a new person.  

• What are your non-negotiable values?  What are the areas that are important but you can compromise?

• Reflect on your best qualities. 

• Will you be introducing this person to friends and family?
  

The questions that I asked you to evaluate can help you to determine how to initiate this dating process. 

Once you are ready,  I have some do’s and don’ts on dating.  These are not taken from a book or training courses.  They are directly from my successes and failures and what I have learned along the way.

DO's in Dating!

Put your non-negotiables on the table from the beginning.

You do not need to sugarcoat what you require from a relationship.  So, for example, if you are not ok with your partner continuing a ‘friendship’ with an ex- SAY SO. If it is something that makes you uncomfortable you need to let your new person know.  I am not saying this needs to happen on date #1. 

When you have a conversation or feel that you are getting into the commitment phase, that is when you have to let your feelings known and be heard.  If you hold back it will eventually come out because it is important to you, and will bother you as time goes on. 

I can remember a time before being married to my ex-spouse when I would hold back because I did not want to scare or overwhelm the person I was dating with what I considered, at the time, to be my insecurities.  Trust me, you do not have time for that now.  If something is important to you, or you know that you require certain behaviors or loyalties in a relationship let it be known sooner than later. 

If the person you are with is not on board, then you move on. You are not compatible then.  If you DO share your relationship requirements and they are in fact on board, but later put you down and/or make you feel like it is a problem that they have to behave according to what you both agreed and discussed, then THEY are the problem and need to go.  There is no room for games now.

Write down the qualities that you are looking for. 

This is how you can sift out the people who will be meaningful in your life vs time fillers.  Please do not settle.  You deserve happiness. You deserve fulfillment. You deserve to be someone’s priority.  You deserve honesty and loyalty.  You deserve to be with the person you are most compatible with at this stage in your life.

Don'ts in Dating!

Try not to show your cards to your children too soon.

You are adjusting to single life but so are your children.  Your kids are learning to live in separate homes with transitions all over the place. 

You cannot control what the counterpart does, and how soon they introduce a new person into the lives of the kids; unless it is something that you have in your divorce stipulation (which I recommend and can help you with if you are at this stage of your process). 

You can control your own choices and decisions that will affect your children.   Be mindful of putting too much on the shoulders of the kids.  They do not need to know your dating life, it is not their place (boundaries boundaries boundaries!!!). 

However, if and when you feel that you met someone significant in your life I do feel that your kids could benefit from participating.  This does not mean that you need to get married to this person and cannot separate if it goes wrong, because your kids met the individual. It can be healthy for your child to see you happy again, especially if they see you sad.  It could also help them to know that you have a social life when they are gone- it alleviates a burden for them. 

Another project?! NO!  Don’t take on another project. 

If you meet someone that is not ready for you then keep it moving.  That person could seem amazing, beautiful, and smart. Perfect!! If they are not ready then they are not perfect for you.  If you have done your healing then you will recognize someone who has not and it is not a good idea to take that on along with all of your other responsibilities.  

Let me know your do’s and don’ts in dating! Comment them down💝💬

Love,

Tracey💕